Please Touch Me
Have you ever questioned your own sexual attractiveness after being rejected by your partner? You’re not alone. In fact, married couples may be surprised to find that they have a mismatched libido, which is most noticeable after their honeymoon phase. Here’s a story of how one newly married couple bravely journeyed together and recalibrated their libidos.
Desire and Doubt
I had a client who sought my help with such a situation. Mrs. ML (early 30s) and Mr. ML (early 40s), were a loving, happy newlywedded couple with plans to start a family. However, their sexual intimacy faded within six months, leaving Mrs. ML feeling confused, frustrated, insecure, and questioning her own attractiveness in sexuality.
As an Intimacy and Sexual Wellness Therapist, this is a common challenge for couples. The key to reigniting the passion is to understand the root cause. Normally, this begins with understanding the complexities of the situation, which is to explore the following three factors:
- Biological factors: Medical history, lifestyle habits, and nutrition were considered to rule out any underlying physical issues.
- Psychological factors: Signs of depression, anxiety, stress, or past traumas that might be impacting intimacy. Emotional and cognitive patterns and expression were also evaluated.
- Social factors: Relationship dynamics, family and friend support structures, and cultural influences were examined. Effective communication and conflict resolution skills were also assessed.
The initial findings can help identify several areas for improvement, particularly in how the couple communicates and expresses their emotions, needs, and expectations.
However, I was not able to pinpoint the exact cause of the decreased sexual intimacy. So, I began therapy with them to understand their issues and concerns both as a couple and individually.
Am I Slutty
In an individual therapy with Mrs. ML, a deep sense of self-doubt surfaced. She recounted instances where her husband rejected her requests to “Please touch me” for physical intimacy.
Tears welled up in Mrs. ML eyes as she whispered, “Well…I guess…I’m no longer attractive to him.” Her softly spoken sounded like thunder across the room, signifying the damage done to her self-esteem.
Mrs. ML then asked, “Am I slutty?”. I gently yet firmly replied to her that “The opposite of death is desire…”, as Tennessee Williams stressed. Mrs. ML instantly gained an epiphany and smiled.
From my interactions with married couples in similar situations, I noted that the higher desire partner often feels negative about this misalignment in libido, fearing they may be perceived as lusty, slutty, promiscuous, or even nymphomaniac. Such self-labelling can lead to profound feelings of guilt and shame.
Mrs. ML and I spent significant time, energy, and resources addressing these negative thought patterns through sexual psychoeducation, emotional expression, and positive reinforcement. Mindfulness exercises and techniques were also introduced to manage anxiety and stress.
I’m Not Ready
Mr. ML’s individual session revealed a different story. When asked about Mrs. ML’s potential feelings regarding his intimacy rejections, he struggled to articulate them. It became clear they were grappling with mismatched libido.
However, after ruling out biological and social factors, the true reason emerged. Mr. ML finally said, “I’m not ready.” Mr. ML, who was approaching his mid-40s, harboured anxieties about fatherhood and job security. These concerns, left unexpressed, led him to withdraw emotionally and physically, sometimes resorting to sleeping separately.
Mr. ML was in deep thought as I explained the importance of regular sexual intimacy with his wife as a marriage is made of two essential components, Companionship and Eroticism. I shared that this is the only legitimate relationship in our lives that permits such an exchange of physical touch, underscoring the unique and vital role of sexual intimacy in a marriage.
Rekindle the Flame
Communication proved to be the missing link. As such, we practiced active listening, expressing appreciation, using “I” statements, and exploring “What if…?” scenarios to address their anxieties, which is about optimistic interpretation based on a trusted relationship.
Sexual psychoeducation played a crucial role too. We differentiated between intimacy and sexuality, emphasising that intimacy encompasses emotional closeness and trust, while sexuality involves physical aspects. This broadened their understanding of physical intimacy.
I also shared Cyndi Darnell’s insight: “We haven’t been taught as a culture about sex without a goal.“. This perspective helped the couple view physical intimacy in a broader context, reducing the pressure and stress related to family planning.
Thus, for the rest of the therapy sessions with me, the couple embarked on self-discovery and acceptance of each other. I guided them on Sensate Focus, a therapeutic technique to help couples enhance their trust, communication, sexual relationship, intimacy and pleasure. They were also taught on how to stay present and attuned to each other during intimate moments through mindfulness exercises.
In our final scheduled therapy session, Mr. ML, with great excitement, told me, “I’m ready!” while Mrs. ML’s eyes sparkled with tears of happiness!
Remember, open communication, addressing underlying concerns, and exploring different ways to connect can reignite the spark in your relationship. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you find yourselves navigating the complexities of mismatched libido.
The truth remains that Love and Sex
are two different languages.
They can exist harmoniously in the same space
but can never be a substitute for each other.
(Dr Jean-Machelle Benn-Dubois)
References:
https://connectfulness.com/episode/042-cyndi-darnell-mismatched-libido-desire